It's not you, it's me
Your kids aren't the problem.
Looking for the good stuff off trails.
One of the strongest things any single person can do is admit their shortcomings and do something about it.
And to do that as a dad also balancing a new kiddo? Color me impressed.
Today, there are messages everywhere trying to tell you that a "real dad" is one who changes diapers.
Wow. Yippee. Look at you go. Here's your participation trophy.
Some way, somehow, men have still found a way to half-ass the modern fatherhood that demands more from a dad than just going to work and bringing home money to then drink beer on the couch.
Things like this give a quick pass to dads who throw on a mask and gloves, change the diaper, and move on.
The problem is, fatherhood isn't actually about changing diapers. Neither is motherhood.
It's kind of like saying that the purpose of life is to brush your teeth twice a day. And if you're real special, you even flossed once last month.
Changing a diaper barely brushes the surface and it does so in such a superficial way at that. Just because dads were so incredibly absent for so long, we get rewarded for showing up at the changing station?
I'm not saying that we shouldn't be changing diapers, what I'm saying is that we should stop being celebrated for doing so. Even the statistics about the modern father's presence come down to the percentage of dads who have changed a diaper. Isn't there a better metric for that?
If we keep on saying that what makes a dad a good dad is that he can slap some plastic cushion onto a baby's butt, what are we saying about the capacity for dads to show up? Because when someone pats me on the back for changing a diaper, it feels like they just congratulated me for pissing in a toilet instead of the living room at the age of 32.
What I think it all comes down to is that we can all change diapers, but it takes true strength to stare down the shit in our life that's actually confronting and then make a plan and take those monsters on.
That's when we become a strong dad. Just around the exact same time that we become a more authentic human being.
It's all too easy to get frustrated when a baby cries or a toddler has some cheeky remark. But it's terribly hard to keep your cool and show up as yourself rather than letting the frustration drive the train.
Because it's never about what your child is actually doing or who they are. Those cases are so incredibly rare.
All of parenting comes down to our ability to cope, respond, and show up as us.
If you want to tell me that you are truly a rage monster that gets frustrated at a tiny little baby crying because they're hungry for the fortieth time today and that that's TRULY who you are and want to be...
Well good luck, brother. Life sounds really hard.
That's never who we truly are. I believe so deeply that every single father, and every single mother, is a good person. It's the shit that's in the way and fogging up their field of vision that makes it impossible for that goodness to thrive.
But if we're going to do something about it, the answer isn't to just change diapers.
The answer is so much more than that.
You have to actually change yourself.
Change your own filthy diaper that's making you constantly uncomfortable so that you can show up and change your baby's with a better mindset. Show up to crying fits with compassion and understanding. Be a better partner because you can set aside the stress and show love.
Really be you.
If you want to talk about the concept of masculinity, here it is.
Being a man has long been perceived as being strong.
So show up. Be strong. And put up the fight against your inner self.
I'll say it again. Changing diapers doesn't make you strong.
It makes you a breathing human that doesn't suck.
So go do something that actually makes you and your future kid proud.
